This blog is not really a personal blog of any sort or any level, but I feel like making a personal post right now.
Now, where to begin?
also, don't read this post
Right now, I am not really happy with a lot of things and see futility in a great deal of things, as if I lost purpose in finding anything to do or feeling anything fufilling. This relates so some of my tweets that have been said in similar fashion. Having access to the internet is great, but for me, its probably too great. I learn things I probably were better off not knowing, enjoy many things without having to work as hard for them, and I feel like I am probably "spoiled" in that sense. Usually, people get a sense of gratification after getting something in return for their hard work, or find something enjoyable that they have not experienced before. Its different for everyone but, in the general sense, that sums of the gist of how people enjoy life in general.
You work, and get rewarded for your work.
Now how this relates to futility, is that recently, my capacity to enjoy these things has been greatly diminished. I have experienced a great deal of things, (as arrogant as that sounds), but that all relates to how I probably perceive things. I just don't feel that gratification after a certain amount of time, and it needs constant refueling, in order for me to keep going. It's just really difficult to put the extra effort into something, to make it great, without much feedback in return, personal and kind of far. My expectations are at a standstill, both low and high, for what I make, but in turn, I never feel like I've made anything that is truly amazing. My game, Recipitation, is something that I am quite proud of for the work I put into it, but ultimately, it isn't something that I could put as my defining piece. I do appreciate supportive comments, but they have a bit of distance to them and lack a sense of community to them, which leads into another problem that is more on my end.
I am very intrapersonal when it comes to making friends, and do not talk much about myself, or my specific interests. My general interests, sure, but I find it very difficult to align myself with general thoughts. This might be why I don't draw fanart of many things, even if I do greatly like them or enjoy them (not to mention the gratification thing). Striking up conversations with unfamiliar people is something I also don't do very often, and in certain settings, tend to prevent them from thriving. Kind of contradictory, with this entire blog post's existence, but that is something I want to fix myself.
Maybe I'm just too picky...
Either way, combine this mentality with the burdens of the future, the end of my college years, things are coming upon myself, and in my year, i'm pretty sure im absolutely the least prepared person that I know. I've made 0 close friends, and tend not to ever go for anything that sits outside my comfort zone. Oddly enough, I don't really regret it, thought I might come to feel so later, as I continue to age and fail to find interest in life. At least on the online spectrum, things are a little better, but only marginally. When those people are gone, you really get a perspective of things, and realize your place in the world, which is pretty lonely and quiet. I really do wonder how I managed to survive so long invested in the internet without ever taking action to abuse the nuances of it. I guess I couldn't really put myself to selling myself or risking my near nonexistent identity with pride or anything, for that matter.
Observing my general status and interests really puts me as an "average joe" on the internet, but with no particular sides or interesting aspects that appeal. I have some ability to draw, but I don't use that ability to make myself relatable with many people, cause i'm so darn selfish and picky.
I wonder how many people are actually reading this silly little post. hah ha ha...
Maybe you guys want a TL;DR, so here you go:
The future is bleak, my life is pale, and my personality is selfish and picky. Few things make me feel happy and fufilled these days. Maybe its because I don't have close friends. I hope these times are only temporary...
Anyways, I hope this blog post didn't depress anyone who reads it, but if you want to try talking to a difficult and hard to approach person (me), you can try to in the comments.
In other news, I do have a bit of noCore generally planned out, but I still need to work out the story details and nuances. I really don't plan on quitting on it, but in my current condition and status quo, it may be a bit more "unstable" in it's medium.
This was quite the selfish post, wasn't it?